Worship The Lord Your Dog

An emergency department, night shift. It is in the early hours of the morning. Several nurses lounge in chairs looking at their phones. Two nurses, a man and women, stand at the nurses desk, relaxed but engaged.

Oh my God, come and look at this. My dog is playing with his chew toy.

What am I looking at?

That’s my baby dog. And he should be sleeping.

Is this live? Do you have a live stream of your dog?

Yes. He is being so naughty right now.

Why?

Because he should be sleeping and he is up way past his bedtime.

No, not why is your dog naughty, why do you have a live stream of your dog?

So I can check in on him.

Check in on him for what?

You know, in case he gets in to trouble, like nosing through the trash.

But what are you going to do about anything from here? Can you shock him or something?

What? No, and I would never shock my dog. Its just so I can see him.

Just so you can see him?

Yeah.

For why though? Is it doing something for you other than an opportunity to coo and gush.

He likes to know I am checking in on him.

Hmm. I had no idea dogs knew the complexities of wireless 5G networks.

Some people have cameras looking at their babies when they are sleeping, do you have a problem with that?

Did you compare human babies to dogs just now?

No, I’m saying some people have camera watching their babies and some watch their dogs. Its a personal preference. I’m not ready for a baby. Plus, I don’t want to bring another human being into this horrible world.

Well, you are thirty-two, so your ‘readiness’ is over ripening as we speak. And if you think this world is so bad, why bring a dog into it?

I didn’t bring him into it, I bought him from a breeder.

How much was he?

Five thousand.

Dollars?

What else?

I see, so you have the camera to watch him at all times to really get your money’s worth.

You are such a downer. You are telling me you wouldn’t want an adorable puppy like him?

Actually, I think I would. I want to buy one, pet it, play with it, and painlessly euthanize it. I hear puppy is very tender and pairs well with a dry chardonnay.

That’s f-ing twisted. You can’t do that!

Why?

Because it is illegal.

No, it is not.

Well it should be, but even still, you can’t eat them.

And why is that again?

Because they are so cute.

Okay, I will make sure the puppy is ugly.

All puppies are cute. You don’t eat cute things.

Not all of anything is cute. There is an ugly representative of every species. Besides, cute is subjective. I detest loose skin, floppy ears and clumsiness.

They are all cute, and smart.

Dogs eat feces and their own vomit. And I promise you they will never learn how to program a VCR. And pigs are smarter than dogs; we eat those.

What’s a VCR? And so what, you just can’t eat a dog, it’s wrong.

I don’t want to eat a dog. I want to eat a puppy.

Oh, shut up, you’re being stupid.

I think that is hurtful and judgemental. Dog has been a dietary staple for civilization throughout history, especially the indigent. A million dogs are eaten in South Korea alone every year. Just because you dress yours up in sweaters does not mean it is not tasty.

Why don’t we eat humans then? What if we ate you?

You can’t eat me.

Why not?

Because I am cute.

You are not cute.

And you are not smart. Looks like both of us are fit for human consumption.

But don’t you have a dog?

I do.

So, why don’t you eat it?

Because he is a companion and my kids love him. He brings me joy.

See! You would’t eat your dog.

Under the right circumstances I can see myself eating many things. But he would eat me, I guarantee you, so it’s only fair.

Your dog would not eat you.

Of course he would. He is an animal. If I keeled over and started bloating, and the dog went unfed for days, he would start to nibble. We already established they eat feces and vomit; a rotting corpse is a treat. And why do you think dogs lick you so often, they are seeing if you are ripe.

My dog would never, Never eat me.

He would. But it will be comforting to know that your body sustained the animal you love so much, no?

Nope. Not true. My dog loves me.

No. Dogs are animals. All of their behavior falls into one of four instinctual categories: mating, safety, territorial protection, and sustenance. You are anthropomorphizing your dog. Dogs sleep in your bed obeying the safety instinct, not because they love you. They bark at predators to protect their territory. They do not hump your leg to show solidarity with your life choices. Cannibalism is not uncommon in wolf packs during harsh winters. So, yes, they would eat you if you were dead and they unfed.

Well, if its a harsh winter I’ll be sure to stock up on dog food.

Or you could hope this global warming thing pans out.

So you think dogs are essentially worthless and we are all stupid for having them, then why is it that so many people do?

Let me answer that question with a question: if a stranger is drowning next to your dog, and you can only save one, which one would you save?

My dog. No question.

What if you were the stranger and someone’s else’s dog was drowning next to you? Would you want that person to give the same answer.

I can’t answer that question for someone else.

Based on your choosing a dog’s life over a human’s, I would say you shouldn’t be in a position to answer a number of questions about the value of human life. And to be quite honest, I don’t believe you; I think you would save the human.

Not if you were the human.

I stand corrected.

You make it sound like dogs are worthless.

They are not worthless. They are good companions. Pets make the elderly happier in particular. And clearly they have utilitarian function like herding, service, protection, and transportation if you are an Eskimo. So they are valuable and important. But they can also be an emotional band-aid. Do you have kids?

I am a dog mom.

So, no, you don’t have any, and that is my point, your dog is a band-aid.

No, he is my baby and I am his mom, I do all the things I would do if he were a human.

That is clearly false. You cannot lock a child in a kennel for 12 hours. You cannot hit your son on the nose with a newspaper when he disobeys. Nobody wants to work hard to make a brighter future for their chocolate lab.

Dogs help people by loving them unconditionally. You don’t have to impress a dog, they will accept you no matter what. They are pure and innocent.

You are exactly describing the band-aid that your dog is to you. You have emotional needs which a dog cannot meet. I will grant that a dog can be good, effortless comfort, but it cannot love you unconditionally because it doesn’t have the possibility of not loving you unconditionally, as you say. And so it is no relief that it does. It doesn’t know your mind or heart, and it is what goes on in those spaces that makes us need unconditional love. And so the dog is a band-aid, giving you a daily dose of what you call love, but it will never reach the deep need to be loved because it cannot choose to not love you. It is a programmed genetic robot. A furry, slobbering one. And this also brings up another terrifying possibility: maybe you aren’t lovable. Being lovable and being unconditionally loved are two very different things. To be loved unconditionally is indispensable while simultaneously making no demands on you to be better. Being lovable means understanding your flaws, your shortcomings, and working on those things so you can be a better friend, sister, mom, etc. And we learn to be lovable in relationship with others who bring out our flaws and challenge us. Even if we grant that a dog loves unconditionally, this means it loves you even if you are a deplorable human, and requires no work on your part to be better, kinder, more thoughtful. You remain unchallenged. Nothing is required of you. Iron sharpens iron, as the Proverb says. Without other iron, you remain a dull tool.

I have friends that love me, just because I feel like my dog loves me doesn’t mean I have some festering relational wound. Geez, you think more about dogs than any human I have ever met. Its just a frigin’ pet, let people have their comforts.

I am happy to have people enjoying their comforts so long as they stay in the categories they are meant to. As a parent, I object to the fact you think you are a mom. My wife is a mom, and to compare your perceived level of responsibility as equal to someone raising humans is offensive.

We have too many humans anyway. I’m doing the world a favor by not bringing another nasty kid into it.

Do what you want. But you are right about one thing, the maternal instinct in you is reaching for something to love, an instinct that is meant to be blossoming as a mother of children. You have a relational hole that is meant to be filled with a human – a child, most of the time. The maternal impulse is both biologically and spiritually irreducible. If it is not filled with husbands and children, it will seek dogs or cats and become pathological. Taking a dog and having him make up for the abandoned dream of a child or husband is a lot of pressure to put on a beagle.

I don’t have a beagle, I have a husky.

Thats even worse. Huskies grow nihilistic in suffocating relationships.

So you would say I should have a kid.

I am saying that when you are 70, looking back over your life and the picture frames of the dogs you have had over the years, you will find yourself with a lot of love to give and no one to give it to, and a series of yappy dogs that just don’t seem to emotionally reciprocate like they used to.

I have relationships that are meaningful. I’m not going to be lonely.

Well, your is one of the first generations that are experimenting with pet parenting and avoiding kids, so you can let posterity know when you are a lonely, relational husk and declined one of the main purposes of your short life, that the whole thing was poorly planned.

Well, if I am a lonely husk that will be my choice. I’ll admit that a dog is no replacement for a person, but it meets that need and still allows me to have a career, travel and live life as I want.

What happened to being a dog mom? Seems like you abandoned your position pretty quickly. Now you are saying you are using the dog to plug a hole, a hole that is much bigger than the dog, but that it is just the right amount of plugginess to allow you to be detached and live life as you choose.

And so what if I do? Don’t I have the right to do that if I want? If I live in a shack in the woods with five dogs for the rest of my life, I can do that.

You certainly can, but you would be failing your obligations.

What obligations? To who?

To whom. Your obligations to whom, not ‘who.’

Oh shut up. Nobody like a grammar nerd.

I’m sorry, I can’t help it. Your grammar is unlovable. Failing your obligations to humanity.

Wow, that sounds real dumb.

You are obliged to emotionally reciprocate with other humans. You have friends, family, of varying degrees of closeness. You have an obligation to them and they to you to live relationally in a way that benefits each other to the pursuit of emotional health. The dogs, as you say, provide some kind of facade of emotional availability that does not exist. Not only are you missing out, as I say, on the opportunity for unconditional love, but you are denying others the emotional life that you would otherwise bring to them. People need you, and it is possible that our emotional energies are spent on canines which cannot reciprocate. Not only are you selling others short, you are selling yourself short – you are much more valuable to the world than a dog’s playmate.

Well, thank you, at least you ended on a compliment.

You are welcome. Maybe sometime you could come over and I could make you dinner? I know a great recipe.